so... I've still been having problems with kissing him. I kissed him on my birthday (end of May) but it wasn't really anything awesome because I was so scared, and I haven't been able to since then. Every time we're hanging out and cuddling my brain is like "you really need to kiss him" and I imagine doing it, and then all my walls go up and I just get super panicky and I can't do it. It makes him sad, but he's giving me all the time I need and being really gentle and kind about it. The thing is, we want to be engaged this fall, and I need to figure this out before he asks me to marry him. I just feel really lost and really scared. I'm nervous I won't be good at it, but the real issue is that kind of vulnerability just absolutely terrifies me to the point where my brain just shuts down. It's hard because no one talks about fear of intimacy and I don't know how to talk about it or who to ask for advice. It's been SO hard to the point where I'm crying about it both with him and home alone and I feel like I might relapse (I made it to a month without self-harm for the first time in a VERY long time yay). I don't know what to do. Middle schoolers can kiss and I'm 21 and I can't and I feel so ashamed and frustrated. He says it's because of trauma with my mom leaving when I was 12 and my stepmom being borderline verbally abusive because of her mental health problems, and maybe it is, but lots of people have divorced parents or strained relationships with their family and I've never heard anyone talk about something like this. I feel really alone.

Just because no one talks about it doesn't mean others don't! Kissing is scary, I get what you mean. But also because no one else seems to have it doesn't mean it's not worth talking about. Good job on the no self harm!!! I'm proud of you!! I don't have any good advice but I'm here for you tiegan 💚

i’m so proud of you for not sh for a month oh my gosh! and don’t feel ashamed for not being able to kiss him still there really isn’t anything to worry about. i really couldn’t for a while and i felt bad but i finally was able to do it bc i realized i could trust him. it just takes trust and if that’s taking a little longer for you it’s okay :)

(re) awww yeah pet sitting is fantastic

also i really appreciate all the kind words you said about me and James. it’s nice to hear this stuff from someone a little older to get a better perspective on things. i had never really thought about the “i” instead of “you” statements before and i think that’ll really help me in the future. i’m so glad i have people like you that i can turn to to help me gosh idk what i’d do without everyone here. i gave myself some time to breathe even tho i slept horribly ahaha but i had opening shift this morning so i did a lottt of thinking and realized he usually matches my tone when we’re texting and i’ve been a little bland myself recently to him bc of what i’ve been feeling, so i texted him after work today with a more cheerful tone and i let him know that his happiness and feelings matter just as much to me as mine do for him and i told him i’d be fine w dinner at his house tomorrow so we’re gonna watch movies all day and eventually eat :) i might talk w him in person tomorrow about not feeling as cared for maybeeee, ik he’ll be more understanding then especially w us having a good day together. just ahhh i appreciate you so much, thank you 🥺💕

please don’t feel ashamed!! I know I’ve said before but I was the same way but it was because of how boys in middle school harassed us so I know it stems from different things. maybe you could do online counseling with someone about it, since it’s a bit easier to do that than go in person and now we don’t have a choice but. please believe me when I say you’re not alone! too much value is placed in intimacy these days and it’s all about a rush. but we don’t have to listen to societal pressures. it’s all about what feels right between you and that person and if the time still isn’t right for you to feel your most comfortable then it isn’t a problem. in my opinion it just takes time and having someone to process those feelings with, be it talking on here or with a counselor or an in person friend who might not have the same experience but who will be there for you.